I want to tell you about the time I had to tell a temp candidate they had a body odor problem.
Early in my career I was working as a recruiter. I had placed a temp candidate at a client site. She'd been there almost a month - long enough that you'd think the people she was working alongside every single day could have just said something. But instead, the client called me to tell her.
So now it was my problem to solve. My candidate, my client, my call to make.
The firm I worked for took difficult conversations seriously in a way I haven't really seen since. Every second Thursday we had proper training. Not a webinar. Not a document about best practice. Actual role plays, in a room full of your peers, where you had to practice saying the things nobody wants to say out loud.
The body odor scenario had come up in training and honestly, we thought it was hilarious. We were laughing, doing terrible impressions of each other, completely cracking up mid role play. It was so uncomfortable that laughter felt like the only way through it.
And then it actually happened to me.
Real candidate. Real call. And my entire team gathered around to listen because that's what we did - everyone learned from everyone else's calls.
I want to be clear: the training did not make it easy. I was still mortified. Having everyone listening was excruciating in itself. None of it felt comfortable, even with the practice behind me.
But I was prepared. Not comfortable - prepared. And I walked away from that call more capable than when I picked up the phone. Not just as a recruiter. As a person.
That's what sitting in discomfort does. It doesn't stop being uncomfortable. It just stops being something you can't handle.
And Then We All Became Managers
I think about that training a lot now, because I almost never see anything like it in the firms I work with.
What I see instead is avoidance. Constant, expensive, exhausting avoidance.
The performance conversation that's been almost happening for four months. The team member whose behavior is affecting everyone and has somehow never been told directly. The standard that keeps getting missed and keeps getting quietly lowered because addressing it feels harder than absorbing it.
And here's what that avoidance costs: it makes your whole team weaker.
Not just because the problems don't get solved. But because every time a leader avoids the uncomfortable thing, they teach everyone around them that uncomfortable things are avoidable.
Your managers are watching you. If you soften every feedback until it means nothing, they learn that directness is unkind. If you hand the hard conversation to someone else - exactly like that client handed it to me - they learn that hard conversations are something you find a way around.
And then you wonder why nobody on your team will have them either.
Brave Conversations Are a Skill, Not a Personality
I hear this a lot: "Oh, she's just naturally direct" or "He's always been comfortable with conflict."
And yes, there are people who seem to find this easier than others. But in my experience there are far fewer of them than we think, and honestly, the ones who charge in without any real skill often don't know how to deliver the message well or handle what comes back at them. Being fearless and being good at it are two very different things.
Most people need to be taught this. And the moment that derails every difficult conversation that hasn't been prepared for is when the other person gets defensive or emotional. Most managers have never practiced staying in that moment. So when it happens - and it always does - they back down, over-apologize, or walk away having said half of what needed to be said.
Not because they're weak. Because nobody ever made them practice it.
This Is Just The Job
That's what I kept thinking on that call. This is uncomfortable and awkward and I really don't want to be doing it, but this is just the job.
Managing people means having conversations that don't feel good. It means sitting in moments that are tense and staying there anyway. It means delivering feedback that lands hard and not running from the reaction.
The longer we pretend those parts are optional, the weaker our teams become and the harder our businesses are to run.
You don't have to enjoy the hard conversations. You just have to stop finding reasons not to have them.
P.S. - That candidate kept her placement. The manager who couldn't have that conversation? Still can't. Still hasn't gone anywhere either.
FAQs
What happens to business performance when leaders avoid difficult conversations?
Your whole team gets weaker. Problems don't get solved, standards get quietly lowered, and toxic behaviors spread unchecked. More critically, every time you avoid the uncomfortable thing, you teach your managers that avoidance is acceptable. They replicate your behavior down the line, and suddenly you've got an organization where nobody addresses anything. That compounds into retention issues, productivity loss, and constant churn as good people leave frustrated.
How do I know if my leadership team is avoiding difficult conversations?
Look for patterns. Are performance issues still unresolved after months? Does feedback feel vague or watered down? Are there people on your team whose behavior everyone complains about privately but nobody's addressed directly? Watch how your managers react when you model direct feedback. If they seem shocked or uncomfortable, they're not doing it themselves. The surest sign is when someone tells you they're handling something and you never hear about it again, which usually means they're not.
Can you train someone to be comfortable with difficult conversations?
No. But you can train them to be capable. Comfort isn't the goal and won't happen. What you're building is preparation and skill so they can stay in the uncomfortable moment without panicking or backing down. That means structured practice in low-stakes settings where they can fail and learn. Role plays with peers work. Recording yourself and reviewing it works. What doesn't work is hoping people figure it out on their own, because they won't.
What's the cost of not training managers to have these conversations?
It's expensive and it's hidden. You lose capability, which means you lose speed. Problems fester and grow instead of getting resolved. People who should be promoted stay stuck because they can't lead. Good performers leave because mediocrity doesn't get addressed. Your culture slowly becomes one where standards are suggestions. The real cost hits when you try to scale and realize your entire management layer hasn't developed the fundamental skill of actually managing people.
If I start modeling direct feedback, will my team think I'm being unkind?
Some might, at first. That's because they've probably been conditioned by soft feedback that means nothing. Direct feedback that's clear, specific, and focused on behavior actually feels more respectful than vague concerns dressed up in careful language. Your team will adapt quickly once they realize you're serious and consistent. The people who struggle most with directness are usually the ones who need to hear it most. Stand steady and keep delivering the feedback anyway.
